The disheartening news is there's not a whole lot more I can do to take care of those issues other than start medicating for them. I don't feel like I'm sad or grieving or depressed. I've been depressed in the past and I know how it feels...this isn't it. This is just, well, life. Depression that makes me see everything from a deep hole in the ground and makes me want to lie down in the dirt and die is not related to life. It is a lying monster that has surfaced from the worst depths of the chemical concoctions of my mind. I am beyond relief to be alive after experiencing that type of depression.
The other good news is that I cried for about five minutes, was sad for about thirty, and I am now up on my feet again ready to go. I have fabulous support from my doctors and my family. They are willing to do whatever I need to help me have less pain and less exhaustion and less grief. What more can I ask from life? It is good and it is bad. The best life is one in which you have people who love you and care about you while you experience both.
I just want to stay here
and watch the leaves glitter.
How can it be time to go?
The crow is blowing his horn
while the aspen shimmies in the corner.
The bee is drunk and
has his face buried in the sunflower.
It’s all been done,
there’s nothing new here,
but they’re playing my favorite song.
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