Thursday, September 17, 2015

Life Gets in the Way

Yesterday was my follow-up appointment after my neuropsych evaluation for memory problems. The good news is that I don't have an organic brain disease. That is, of course, very good news. The bad, but not horrible, news is that the problems I am experiencing are stemming from my chronic pain and grief process. It is the professional's opinion that I have pseudo-dementia. She does want to get an MRI just to be absolutely sure they aren't missing anything, but for now, this is the diagnosis.

The disheartening news is there's not a whole lot more I can do to take care of those issues other than start medicating for them. I don't feel like I'm sad or grieving or depressed. I've been depressed in the past and I know how it feels...this isn't it. This is just, well, life. Depression that makes me see everything from a deep hole in the ground and makes me want to lie down in the dirt and die is not related to life. It is a lying monster that has surfaced from the worst depths of the chemical concoctions of my mind. I am beyond relief to be alive after experiencing that type of depression.

The other good news is that I cried for about five minutes, was sad for about thirty, and I am now up on my feet again ready to go. I have fabulous support from my doctors and my family. They are willing to do whatever I need to help me have less pain and less exhaustion and less grief. What more can I ask from life? It is good and it is bad. The best life is one in which you have people who love you and care about you while you experience both.

I just want to stay here
and watch the leaves glitter.

How can it be time to go?

The crow is blowing his horn
while the aspen shimmies in the corner.

The bee is drunk and
has his face buried in the sunflower.

It’s all been done,
there’s nothing new here,
but they’re playing my favorite song.

© all rights reserved Julie Reeser


  1. Oh, Jules! That poem is so happy and sad all at the same time! I love that it ended with a song. :) Might you be grieving the loss of a pain free asymptomatic life?

    I was just talking with the mom of a high school marching band member about dysautonomia. Lindsay her daughter was just diagnosed with POTS, one of the dysautonomia syndromes. Small world she said.

  2. Oh, I'm definitely grieving. It's a daily process, but I've come a long way and am mostly in the acceptance stage. I slip around, like most people, but I think the majority of my heart is healed.
    Yes, it is a small world. I hope your friend's daughter does well and maybe even outgrows it. A lot of younger people do!
    Thanks for leaving a comment, by the way! I love to hear from people on here.


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