Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Hoarding for the future

This is the obligatory I-have-neglected-this-blog post. I suppose that makes me a real blogger, because I am pretty sure a period of neglect followed by regret is required for the job.
There are no pictures today. I have not been feeling well, and I just don't have the energy to make it happen. I am trying new dietary restrictions that help with my pain and nausea. I am staying mentally strong, but only by hoarding things. I am hoarding my energy, my words, my thoughts, my time. I am gathering them all into a little soft bundle and holding them close to my body for warmth.
I have reached a place of contentment surrounded by sharp things that poke at me if I look too closely. I am choosing to glance at them briefly for this post, and then go back to my ball of soft warmth.
I am still on my never-ending quest to find out why my condition is progressing. No one can tell me why. The doctors look at me with a gentle sadness, but not a fire of mystery that I need.
I am eating a limited number of "safe" things. I can count them with just my fingers. I am grateful that I have things on the list that are sweet and warm. I can have coffee, but not chocolate. I can have sweet potatoes, but not chips. I can have ice cream, but not cheese. My nose no longer runs constantly. I am not in a state of constant nausea. I no longer have stabbing, clutching pain in my abdomen. There is progress.
I have had bouts of weakness and numbness in my legs. No one can tell me why, if it will keep happening, or what I can do to prevent it. I burn my tongue because my fingers can't warn me things are too hot. I need a nap most days, but I don't always give in to the need. I am reading, writing, and sometimes knitting. I take happiness from our bird, Stitch. Life remains passive. I would say that it is womb-like, but that connotes that I will emerge into a new life full of hope and purpose. I don't feel quite that positive about it, but I am no longer despairing. I have made peace with it most days.
Maybe when I am done hoarding all the things, I will come back with pictures and words to share. Until then, I will wait quietly for whatever is coming.

1 comment:

  1. I am with you on the weird-ass neurological disease and the need to hoard. I never thought of it that way, but it makes perfect sense!

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